The old lady shuffle

No no this isn’t going to be a post about my inability to dance, but rather my need of quick reflexes in the face of danger. It’s about that time of year again, Christmas… Joyful for some, yet rather inconvenient for others.

Don’t get me wrong I love the holidays, I don’t even mind the commercialism of it all. I mean money makes the world go around and Christmas is one of the biggest excuses for it. The thing I fear about this time of the year is Christmas parties.

My mother tends to host a multitude of parties for separate sects; old friends, gym friends, work friends ect.. And for some god forsaken reason she ‘HAS’ to have all of them here! I’m not too sure what you would consider fun, but believe me 20 or so old ladies placed in one setting with alcohol provided by a woman who sinks a bottle of white a night isn’t exactly an enjoyable experience. It wouldn’t be so bad if it wasn’t for the cackling, no amount of training can prepare you for that glass shattering noise that always seems to come when alcohol is added.

In the past I’ve been stupid enough to suffer through it, thinking some day I would build up a tolerance. But my efforts have been in vain, there effects are still as potent as ever making that evolutionary step that much more elusive. Luckily this year I have given myself enough time to evade two of these Christmas parties without incident or the use of my patented ‘old lady shuffle’. Other times I have not been so lucky.

The ‘old lady shuffle’ consists of me exiting the building with as minimal contact with the decrepit vermin, I mean my mothers friends, as possible. Tricks such as carrying things outside and simply not returning are genuinely key when surprised with such events. I say ‘surprised’ because mother has become sadistic, intentionally not telling me that one will soon be in progress, just to see me squirm.

But these are nothing in comparison with ‘the family Christmas get together’, for one I’m unable to leave… (a latter post), I shall leave you with a classic line taken from one of my ‘old lady shuffle’ experiences.

“I have to umm… go over there now”

Till next we meet,
Paul