Saturday, December 23, 2006

Christmas with the Fishers

The mere thought of it sends bile to my tongue, hours of insufferable torment spent with beings that should never have been allowed to step foot on this earth. You are soon to learn that I don’t particularly like a certain section of my family, unfortunately for me you can’t choose your family so I’m stuck with them. I’m not too sure whether I’m going to be able to articulate the server dysfunction they as a collective group hold, but will endeavour none the less.

Every family has its kooks, so let me introduce you to mine. ‘The fishers’ – a rag tag bunch of social misfits connected to us through my mother. On last count I believe there were 6… although I’m sure I always miss one. They are the loudest most obnoxious people you will hopefully never meet. You know the kind; the ones in the restaurant that your mother will sigh at and say ‘just eat your food and ignore them’ whilst glaring at them every once in a while to show her distain.

The mother – A know all nurse who happens to have an opinion on anything and everything, even if she has been explicitly told to stay out of it. She tends to spend most of the Christmas evening in my mothers room, after being overpowered by a migraine. Although if I had children like that I suppose I would be bed ridden too. A control freak who can’t control her kids, go figure.

The father – One of those people that somehow constantly look grotty no matter what they are wearing; the kind of person that if you saw him on the street tying his shoes, you couldn’t help but drop some money. He is the most offensive person to eat with (well the whole of his family has acquired these traits, but he remains the worst). My mother would be cooking for about 20 people (yeah I know shocking), and silly enough for her she tried to cut down on the amount of effort she needed to go through with serving so she created a buffet. I think your starting to see the picture… I nearly lost a finger at the hands of that man.

Kate – (child one, 21) the eldest of the bunch, hmm the best way I can describe her is ‘a snobby little bitch with no money’. Just think the ‘Simple Life’ except the nightmare isn’t ending for her :) because the season is never over - it might seem cruel to an observer that I take pleasure in her misery, but believe me this is the only pleasure I derive from this family.

Steven – (child two, 20) just goes to show how much I like this one, I don’t even know if he spells it Steven or Stephen… His one of those giant bruits who doesn’t know his own strength, which is always great when they have a brain the size of a pee. Trust me his a complete space case, and will more than likely end up as a professional bouncer, as long as he doesn’t asphyxiate attempting to think.

Claire – (child three, 18) the poster child for contraception. God has made this one irregularly plump, and for good reason too. It has an acidic tongue that, like its mothers, never seems to stop wagging. I’ve been so close to slapping the shit out of it because of the vicious little things it says to its mother.

The other one – (child four, will fill in the name when I remember, 16ish) devils spurn! As childish as they get, one of those kids who always has to get their way, and if they don’t then they crack a fit. Have you ever seen a sixteen year old rolling around on the ground because she wants to leave? I can’t wait until the real world hits her and she grows up.

As I thought, I didn’t do them justice, mainly because I try to suppress all interaction I am forced to make with them. Perhaps ill have some more to add after Christmas.

Marry Christmas indeed

Till next we meet,

5 Misguided mentions... :

  1. : : Wendz : : said...

    HAHA they could very well be the next reality TV show then LOL

    You should mention it to the TV networks, it might earn you some extra kaching...but then again, I don't think they would really approve of their embarassment being publicised...though like it hasn't already PAUL!!! hehe


  2. Dale said...

    Wow... You should set up video cameras and place them strategically throughout the house (from memory its not yours this year, but please do it) so I can have some entertainment while my dull relatives sit around making small talk and grandma rattles on and on repeating stories for the 20th time, whilst my cousins sit around wishing that they were at home in their mansion (which has been dubbed 'The White House' because of its palatial white mansion-like appearance). But then again I guess I shouldn't complain. My family is close, and civil, and not unbearable. And oh look, I've turned this comment around so it's about me again. :)

    mErry Christmas Paul. :P

  3. Alex said...

    I wish my relis were that bad, at least then it would be interesting. Sadly enough they are dull, hmm maybe too dull... conspiracy, perhaps...

  4. nEe said...

    have you remembered "the other"s name yet?lol would of been kinda funny on Christmas day.."hey other one"...indeed...

    hope you dont forget my

  5. nEe said...

    so does ur nys revolution include catching up wif me at least twice this year outside of work..come it's only one more time then last but this time you're driving...hehe...