Global Warming

For those of the nonbelievers proof is finally here:



(http://growabrain.typepad.com/photos/uncategorized/global_warming.jpg)

New years resolution

Once again we are rapidly approaching the end of the year, a time of reflection.

Reflection upon time gone by and of past resolutions that have like so many fallen to the waist side. Admittedly I tend not to make resolutions, knowing full well that I shall never fulfil them. It is always easier to give up before we begin. But this year I have decided things are going to be different.

Well not that much different, baby steps is key. But it is a step in the right direction none the less. I have never been into the whole ‘self-bettering’ thing, mainly because I’m quite happy with who I am. I know my flaws and tendencies and think it would be rather hard to change them now, tis sad that I'm already set in my ways at such a young age.

So you ask, what could the gospel Paul possibly want to change as part of his new years resolution? Well its not to be more out going, and I'm sorry to say its not to blog more. Its not to get in shape and its not to drink less. Its not to be more open and sadly its not to try new things. I think that just about covers most of the cliches, except of course the one I'm planning on committing to :).

My main problem is effort, i tend let things pass me by because I'm unwilling to exert anything above the normal level. This year i have tried going out of my way, and have been very pleased with the results. A few of my friendships have grown a lot stronger and the enjoyment i derive from them far outweighs what effort i've had to go through. All the new places, people and experiences i've gone out of my way to meet or try has made this one of the happiest years of my life.

So my resolution, is to be willing to exert at least the same amount of effort i have this year. Knowing full well how hard it is to stick to a resolution i am making it attainable.

Hope all whom that read this has a happy and safe new year.

Till next we meet,
Paul

On the second part of christmas

On the second part of Christmas the fishers brought to me:
- two very scared german exchange students

The reason why the exchange students were scared (apart from having to live with the fishers...) was my brother turned up and started voicing is anger, so that was fun for me :)

The mother had been bitten by a dog a few days before, she was telling the story and my father had to stop me from laughing out loud. Then they started talking about how they have to see their extended family tomorrow for lunch, and how much they can't stand the freaks... Talk about calling the kettle black..

Then Kate, Steven (right spelling) and the germans left, after which the mother started talking about sending Kate away somewhere because she has anorexia :)

Other things i don't want to elaborate on:
- There was a very embarrassing incident with my father
- Told the fishers the thing i let slip at the other Christmas lunch
- Forgot the name of the little one (Eliza)

It s finally over.... until next year

Till next we meet,
Paul

On the first part of chirstmas

On the first part of Christmas my grandma said to me:
- "We need to ship off all those dam Indians, we have enough taxi drivers as it is"
- "The chinks are multiplying"
- "Those fags that live down the street.." (i think she was saying they were shifty or something, i was trying not to pay attention)

There were more but i forgot them as a result of the other events that happened.
For one i inadvertently let slip something i didn't want to, but doesn't really matter and two i backed my brothers car into a tree.. So he went off tap screaming and cracking a fit, threatening my life and all :)

All this before meeting the fishers :)

You gotta love the holidays: a special shout out to Mr Mac, what strength i have left i give to you in this your more deserving time of need.

Till the next part is over,
Paul

Christmas with the Fishers

The mere thought of it sends bile to my tongue, hours of insufferable torment spent with beings that should never have been allowed to step foot on this earth. You are soon to learn that I don’t particularly like a certain section of my family, unfortunately for me you can’t choose your family so I’m stuck with them. I’m not too sure whether I’m going to be able to articulate the server dysfunction they as a collective group hold, but will endeavour none the less.

Every family has its kooks, so let me introduce you to mine. ‘The fishers’ – a rag tag bunch of social misfits connected to us through my mother. On last count I believe there were 6… although I’m sure I always miss one. They are the loudest most obnoxious people you will hopefully never meet. You know the kind; the ones in the restaurant that your mother will sigh at and say ‘just eat your food and ignore them’ whilst glaring at them every once in a while to show her distain.

The mother – A know all nurse who happens to have an opinion on anything and everything, even if she has been explicitly told to stay out of it. She tends to spend most of the Christmas evening in my mothers room, after being overpowered by a migraine. Although if I had children like that I suppose I would be bed ridden too. A control freak who can’t control her kids, go figure.

The father – One of those people that somehow constantly look grotty no matter what they are wearing; the kind of person that if you saw him on the street tying his shoes, you couldn’t help but drop some money. He is the most offensive person to eat with (well the whole of his family has acquired these traits, but he remains the worst). My mother would be cooking for about 20 people (yeah I know shocking), and silly enough for her she tried to cut down on the amount of effort she needed to go through with serving so she created a buffet. I think your starting to see the picture… I nearly lost a finger at the hands of that man.

Kate – (child one, 21) the eldest of the bunch, hmm the best way I can describe her is ‘a snobby little bitch with no money’. Just think the ‘Simple Life’ except the nightmare isn’t ending for her :) because the season is never over - it might seem cruel to an observer that I take pleasure in her misery, but believe me this is the only pleasure I derive from this family.

Steven – (child two, 20) just goes to show how much I like this one, I don’t even know if he spells it Steven or Stephen… His one of those giant bruits who doesn’t know his own strength, which is always great when they have a brain the size of a pee. Trust me his a complete space case, and will more than likely end up as a professional bouncer, as long as he doesn’t asphyxiate attempting to think.

Claire – (child three, 18) the poster child for contraception. God has made this one irregularly plump, and for good reason too. It has an acidic tongue that, like its mothers, never seems to stop wagging. I’ve been so close to slapping the shit out of it because of the vicious little things it says to its mother.

The other one – (child four, will fill in the name when I remember, 16ish) devils spurn! As childish as they get, one of those kids who always has to get their way, and if they don’t then they crack a fit. Have you ever seen a sixteen year old rolling around on the ground because she wants to leave? I can’t wait until the real world hits her and she grows up.

As I thought, I didn’t do them justice, mainly because I try to suppress all interaction I am forced to make with them. Perhaps ill have some more to add after Christmas.

Marry Christmas indeed

Till next we meet,
Paul

The old lady shuffle

No no this isn’t going to be a post about my inability to dance, but rather my need of quick reflexes in the face of danger. It’s about that time of year again, Christmas… Joyful for some, yet rather inconvenient for others.

Don’t get me wrong I love the holidays, I don’t even mind the commercialism of it all. I mean money makes the world go around and Christmas is one of the biggest excuses for it. The thing I fear about this time of the year is Christmas parties.

My mother tends to host a multitude of parties for separate sects; old friends, gym friends, work friends ect.. And for some god forsaken reason she ‘HAS’ to have all of them here! I’m not too sure what you would consider fun, but believe me 20 or so old ladies placed in one setting with alcohol provided by a woman who sinks a bottle of white a night isn’t exactly an enjoyable experience. It wouldn’t be so bad if it wasn’t for the cackling, no amount of training can prepare you for that glass shattering noise that always seems to come when alcohol is added.

In the past I’ve been stupid enough to suffer through it, thinking some day I would build up a tolerance. But my efforts have been in vain, there effects are still as potent as ever making that evolutionary step that much more elusive. Luckily this year I have given myself enough time to evade two of these Christmas parties without incident or the use of my patented ‘old lady shuffle’. Other times I have not been so lucky.

The ‘old lady shuffle’ consists of me exiting the building with as minimal contact with the decrepit vermin, I mean my mothers friends, as possible. Tricks such as carrying things outside and simply not returning are genuinely key when surprised with such events. I say ‘surprised’ because mother has become sadistic, intentionally not telling me that one will soon be in progress, just to see me squirm.

But these are nothing in comparison with ‘the family Christmas get together’, for one I’m unable to leave… (a latter post), I shall leave you with a classic line taken from one of my ‘old lady shuffle’ experiences.

“I have to umm… go over there now”

Till next we meet,
Paul

No Bang - the birth of a catchphrase

If television has taught us one thing it's that individuals with cleaver catchphrases tend to stay around for more seasons, as long as the rest of the show isn't complete tripe. Luckily enough this has nothing to do with whats going on.

I've always wanted to know how social phrases come to be, i mean who came up with using the word 'cool' as a substitute for good or ok? And how did it become so prolifically used? Well today you are witnessing history in the making, i am about to unleash my own stylings upon the catchphrase world. I'm not attempting to make a big deal about it, simply trying to avoid or rather sidestep some of the weirdness no doubt im going to encounter when it gets used for the first couple of times; explaining its meaning and the origin of its creation to every individual i happen to use it on.

Its conception was happened upon when Sarah Bell (a very nice, very talkative individual) caught the tailings of a convocation about me not going to 'Bang', a club that it seems i've been going to every week for quite some time. Hence when i said "no bang" she wouldn't have been able to understand the reference. She however took it a slightly different way, meaning no good, thus "No Bang" was established.

No Bang - 1. refers to a build up where the ending is not as dramatic as the hype suggested. 2. refers to something which is simply no good, lacking all the bells and whistles. 3. refers to something that would be inappropriate to be celebrated with fireworks or party poppers.

This is something i assume will die off soon, but i like it, so your going to have to suffer through it for a good few weeks to come.

Till next we meet,
Paul