On the first part of chirstmas

On the first part of Christmas my grandma said to me:
- "We need to ship off all those dam Indians, we have enough taxi drivers as it is"
- "The chinks are multiplying"
- "Those fags that live down the street.." (i think she was saying they were shifty or something, i was trying not to pay attention)

There were more but i forgot them as a result of the other events that happened.
For one i inadvertently let slip something i didn't want to, but doesn't really matter and two i backed my brothers car into a tree.. So he went off tap screaming and cracking a fit, threatening my life and all :)

All this before meeting the fishers :)

You gotta love the holidays: a special shout out to Mr Mac, what strength i have left i give to you in this your more deserving time of need.

Till the next part is over,
Paul

Christmas with the Fishers

The mere thought of it sends bile to my tongue, hours of insufferable torment spent with beings that should never have been allowed to step foot on this earth. You are soon to learn that I don’t particularly like a certain section of my family, unfortunately for me you can’t choose your family so I’m stuck with them. I’m not too sure whether I’m going to be able to articulate the server dysfunction they as a collective group hold, but will endeavour none the less.

Every family has its kooks, so let me introduce you to mine. ‘The fishers’ – a rag tag bunch of social misfits connected to us through my mother. On last count I believe there were 6… although I’m sure I always miss one. They are the loudest most obnoxious people you will hopefully never meet. You know the kind; the ones in the restaurant that your mother will sigh at and say ‘just eat your food and ignore them’ whilst glaring at them every once in a while to show her distain.

The mother – A know all nurse who happens to have an opinion on anything and everything, even if she has been explicitly told to stay out of it. She tends to spend most of the Christmas evening in my mothers room, after being overpowered by a migraine. Although if I had children like that I suppose I would be bed ridden too. A control freak who can’t control her kids, go figure.

The father – One of those people that somehow constantly look grotty no matter what they are wearing; the kind of person that if you saw him on the street tying his shoes, you couldn’t help but drop some money. He is the most offensive person to eat with (well the whole of his family has acquired these traits, but he remains the worst). My mother would be cooking for about 20 people (yeah I know shocking), and silly enough for her she tried to cut down on the amount of effort she needed to go through with serving so she created a buffet. I think your starting to see the picture… I nearly lost a finger at the hands of that man.

Kate – (child one, 21) the eldest of the bunch, hmm the best way I can describe her is ‘a snobby little bitch with no money’. Just think the ‘Simple Life’ except the nightmare isn’t ending for her :) because the season is never over - it might seem cruel to an observer that I take pleasure in her misery, but believe me this is the only pleasure I derive from this family.

Steven – (child two, 20) just goes to show how much I like this one, I don’t even know if he spells it Steven or Stephen… His one of those giant bruits who doesn’t know his own strength, which is always great when they have a brain the size of a pee. Trust me his a complete space case, and will more than likely end up as a professional bouncer, as long as he doesn’t asphyxiate attempting to think.

Claire – (child three, 18) the poster child for contraception. God has made this one irregularly plump, and for good reason too. It has an acidic tongue that, like its mothers, never seems to stop wagging. I’ve been so close to slapping the shit out of it because of the vicious little things it says to its mother.

The other one – (child four, will fill in the name when I remember, 16ish) devils spurn! As childish as they get, one of those kids who always has to get their way, and if they don’t then they crack a fit. Have you ever seen a sixteen year old rolling around on the ground because she wants to leave? I can’t wait until the real world hits her and she grows up.

As I thought, I didn’t do them justice, mainly because I try to suppress all interaction I am forced to make with them. Perhaps ill have some more to add after Christmas.

Marry Christmas indeed

Till next we meet,
Paul

The old lady shuffle

No no this isn’t going to be a post about my inability to dance, but rather my need of quick reflexes in the face of danger. It’s about that time of year again, Christmas… Joyful for some, yet rather inconvenient for others.

Don’t get me wrong I love the holidays, I don’t even mind the commercialism of it all. I mean money makes the world go around and Christmas is one of the biggest excuses for it. The thing I fear about this time of the year is Christmas parties.

My mother tends to host a multitude of parties for separate sects; old friends, gym friends, work friends ect.. And for some god forsaken reason she ‘HAS’ to have all of them here! I’m not too sure what you would consider fun, but believe me 20 or so old ladies placed in one setting with alcohol provided by a woman who sinks a bottle of white a night isn’t exactly an enjoyable experience. It wouldn’t be so bad if it wasn’t for the cackling, no amount of training can prepare you for that glass shattering noise that always seems to come when alcohol is added.

In the past I’ve been stupid enough to suffer through it, thinking some day I would build up a tolerance. But my efforts have been in vain, there effects are still as potent as ever making that evolutionary step that much more elusive. Luckily this year I have given myself enough time to evade two of these Christmas parties without incident or the use of my patented ‘old lady shuffle’. Other times I have not been so lucky.

The ‘old lady shuffle’ consists of me exiting the building with as minimal contact with the decrepit vermin, I mean my mothers friends, as possible. Tricks such as carrying things outside and simply not returning are genuinely key when surprised with such events. I say ‘surprised’ because mother has become sadistic, intentionally not telling me that one will soon be in progress, just to see me squirm.

But these are nothing in comparison with ‘the family Christmas get together’, for one I’m unable to leave… (a latter post), I shall leave you with a classic line taken from one of my ‘old lady shuffle’ experiences.

“I have to umm… go over there now”

Till next we meet,
Paul

No Bang - the birth of a catchphrase

If television has taught us one thing it's that individuals with cleaver catchphrases tend to stay around for more seasons, as long as the rest of the show isn't complete tripe. Luckily enough this has nothing to do with whats going on.

I've always wanted to know how social phrases come to be, i mean who came up with using the word 'cool' as a substitute for good or ok? And how did it become so prolifically used? Well today you are witnessing history in the making, i am about to unleash my own stylings upon the catchphrase world. I'm not attempting to make a big deal about it, simply trying to avoid or rather sidestep some of the weirdness no doubt im going to encounter when it gets used for the first couple of times; explaining its meaning and the origin of its creation to every individual i happen to use it on.

Its conception was happened upon when Sarah Bell (a very nice, very talkative individual) caught the tailings of a convocation about me not going to 'Bang', a club that it seems i've been going to every week for quite some time. Hence when i said "no bang" she wouldn't have been able to understand the reference. She however took it a slightly different way, meaning no good, thus "No Bang" was established.

No Bang - 1. refers to a build up where the ending is not as dramatic as the hype suggested. 2. refers to something which is simply no good, lacking all the bells and whistles. 3. refers to something that would be inappropriate to be celebrated with fireworks or party poppers.

This is something i assume will die off soon, but i like it, so your going to have to suffer through it for a good few weeks to come.

Till next we meet,
Paul

Intolerable intolerance

I'd like to say when the elder generation dies off the worst of our current racist society will be over, but hate and ignorance tends to breed hate, sullying the water so this notion is simply another fairy tail the offended tell themselves.

The conceptions of our fathers are only distinguished from our own by choice. Change needs a catalyst else the course remains steady. Some may believe that it is currently socially unacceptable to belittle another race, unfortunately theory is not always what prevails in practice and they would be very mistaken in this assumption.

We are the youth of the nation with the means to stamp out such trivial ideologies, yet remain powerless in our current divided state. War once brought the youths voices together echoing their contempt throughout the land. Our generation has faced its wars, yet we as a whole remained silent.

Our silence is deafening, society has desensitised us. Thus i fear there is nothing that can awaken our outrage. As long as intolerance is tolerated, as long as injustice is ignored, the plights of the nameless shall go unheard.

Till next we meet,
Paul

Wii personal update

WARNING: The following blog may contain offensive material and has been proven in cases to lead the reader to become very jealous.

Ladies and gentlemen, I have purchased a Wii.

(Pauses for gasps and the shock of it all to settle in)

Are wii composed? Good then lets continue. I have been thinking about purchasing a “Wii” since Nintendo released the original proposed specs and capabilities for the revolution. That was until they offended the world by deciding to change the name to the ‘Wii’. Initially I despised the name, enough to blog about it:

“Wii can only hope: (29 April 2006 2:41 PM)

Dam Nintendo has screwed itself again..... As if our once beloved gaming system had not made enough bad choices (gamecube, need i say more). It’s like they have given up the race completely between Xbox and Playstation. Yes there new "revolutionary" system had specs and games lined up that would make any gaming enthusiast drool, everything seemed right in the world again. But then at the 12 hour Nintendo announces they have decided to change the name of the new system to...."Wii".

WHAT THE?

The childish humour must just be lost on me, Wii??? It seems the company has decided after investing an inconceivable amount into the development of this system and the restoration of its former glory, that it is no longer interested in making money. I mean seriously who ever came up with this bright idea should be shot at least twice for good measure.

Wii can only hope that this is some sort of messed up dream, and by E3 the creators will have come to their senses.”

But as time went by the name simply grew on me! So when the release came on the 7^th of December I started to seriously consider purchasing this console.

On the 9^th of December I was placed in a fight or flight situation when faced with hundreds of signs in what seemed like almost every shop advertising the console. I scam to my temptations and splurged, carelessly purchasing games and accessories. I never really was a strong person :) (Pun not intended)

And yet even after the serious beating my back account took I am still happy. The Wii is amazing, and it’s going to change the way we think of gaming! No longer will our youths become fat and lazy while sitting in front of the TV for hours playing games. The interaction is that intense that after a few rounds of boxing on ‘Wii sports’ I was sweaty and exhorted!

Of course the main reason why anyone would purchase a Wii is simply for Zelda, and yes yes it too has so far live up to the hype.

The controls are ingenious, no longer is game play and interaction confined to the standard controller. And the way they have allowed for extra peripherals to be added ensures they will be on the cutting edge of interactive experimentation.

(There isn't really an appropriate way to do this so: Alex, there your mentioned!)

Till next wii meet,
Paul

Aliens exist?

Ah so it has come to this, the gospel must inform the sheep once again about the sad facts of life. Destroying the myths we all know are false and hopefully offending many demographics along the way.

I’ve always wondered who came up with that immortal image that we initially associate with an alien; Big black eyes positioned on an oversized cranium with thinned out features and a slender mouth. Silly boy forgot to copy write, and is now out millions as a result (I would have loved him to demand money from Spielberg for the use of ET). I assume it was a man because it was the 40’s when women where not classified as people.

I’ve read about the Roswell incident and the propaganda surrounding it. About the ‘lies’ we have been told and the conspiracies created as ‘the true’ alternative. See dale, if you had these people’s imaginations you would have written at least ONE book by now - “Hows that novel you’ve been working on?”

I love the religions that are preparing for their coming (and I don’t just mean Scientology; side note I have read L. Ron Hubbard’s dianetics, not that interesting… I liked battlefield earth better, why haven’t they made that one into a religion yet? It’s just not the same as being made into a movie), although to be fair I do know of a few other religions waiting for a return of a certain individual… 2006 years after his original birth.. hmm is he still coming?

Why do aliens always abduct some redneck hick? Why don’t you ever hear about normal people with (real) college degrees getting abducted? And don’t throw that shit at me saying “they only do that because this way people won’t believe they exist, they are protecting themselves” what are they afraid of, we might suspect they have weapons of mass destruction? – My rebuttal to people who use this argument: ‘Star Trek isn’t real get over it’.

People have an inept need to believe in things, they are afraid that life has no real meaning and by clinging onto notions such as ‘aliens’ allows them to cope.

Ghost writing is hard!



Till next we meet,
Paul